In Cliff Richard’s Christmas hit Mistletoe and Wine he talks about Christmas being ‘a time for giving’. With all the expectations on the season it seems there are an awful lot of people who find it very stressful. It might be because ‘the time for giving’ has rather forgotten the Human Givens of being stress free.
The psychotherapists Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrell set up the Human Givens about 20 years ago. Through their work they have built up a team of psychotherapists and counsellors who have can help all sorts of people. Their premise is simple: the brain, like the rest of the body, has certain ‘needs’. If these needs aren’t met the brain becomes stressed. The body needs food, water, sleep, warmth. The brain needs security, status, intimacy, attention, privacy, community, control or autonomy, competence and a sense of meaning. A lot of the myths about Christmas make it actually more difficult to have some of these needs met and this is probably why some of us find it a bit stressful.
Community is about being anchored in a society to give us some norms and guidelines to stop us going ‘our own way’. The fastest way to build community empathy is to sing together or share experiences. That’s why choirs have such a magical effect. It’s also why we all go to pantomimes and shout, boo and join in when encouraged. Someone has worked out a way of selling entertainment without the important ingredient: shared experience. Now we all argue about what we’re going to ‘watch’ on the telly.
Christmas time is when families come back together. A whole bunch of strangers coop themselves up in a house: grandparents, who may be less well equipped to cope with changes in dynamics; and youngsters, who have fled the nest and ‘discovered’ themselves. Some expect little change, others hope for much. The ‘itinerant’ teenage boy or girl is now a responsible adult. Their peers value them. Unfortunately their parents, unless they’re blessed with galactic levels of emotional intelligence, won’t necessarily share that view. The reformed ‘teenager’ will expect a new level of respect from their parents and will feel disappointed and hurt when they don’t get it; or they’ll try and demand it which leaves their parents hurt at their own perceived diminishing status.
We all have a need to be respected by our peers. Many think status is about being as high as possible on ‘the tree of life’ but in fact in whatever role we perform we need people to value us. It’s a common misapprehension that ‘things’ confer status. How many ‘toys’ do people buy thinking they will be happier if they have…well…stuff. The joke is that when men have a midlife crisis they buy new toys in the hopes that those will refresh their status in society just as their physical prowess starts to wane. Presents should be more about demonstrating the attention we pay our nearest and dearest. The ones ‘from Father Christmas’ are a little bit about the sense of meaning – being part of something bigger. The original St Nicholas left gifts to pay the dowry of three poor girls. Unfortunately we have forgotten this and focus how much presents cost, how much they’re coveted or how much they are ‘in fashion’. I worked at a depressingly large toy store at the height of the Ninja Turtle rush; it was one of the least edifying experiences I think I’ve ever had, watching parents loading up their shopping trolleys with expensive tat.
Attention – giving and receiving – is also important. It’s important for human development for parents and offspring to give each other attention. How often at family Christmases do people disappear to go and play with their new toys? People often bemoan the point when the batteries run out. Is that when the children become bored and start demanding attention from their parents again? Giving attention is hard work and when you’re surrounded by your nearest and dearest for a protracted period it’s wearing trying to give attention all that time.
We need privacy to organize our learning and try out ideas without fear of censure. At Christmas, games, both political and ‘fun for all the family’ that haven’t been played all year, are suddenly dusted off. We need the space to ‘work out’ how to achieve competence.
Competence is another need. The formerly itinerant teenager wants to show how much he or she has learned so they put extra pressure on themselves to put on a show for the family: their harshest critics.
Once the arguments start to bubble and relationships appear to be on shifting sands we lose our sense of security, another need. To regain it we try and assert control and either try and recreate the Christmases we remember from our own childhood or those depicted in lavish TV commercials. We set ourselves up for a fall, but take everyone with us as they’re now shackled to our intensity without understanding the dream.
Our sense of meaning is also challenged. We get a sense of meaning from either being needed, being stretched or being part of something bigger – part of some cosmic or god given ‘plan’. If everyone is trying to assert or reassert their position then they won’t be making us feel they need us; the kids, for the moment, are wrapped around their new toys until the batteries run out, so they don’t need us; we think that Christmas is about relaxing so we don’t try stretching ourselves; and if the ‘something bigger’ is nothing more than a fat bloke dressed in the corporate colours of Coca Cola then that the sense of meaning will evaporate like the tantalizing beads of ice on the side of the can.
All of these ‘issues’ are wrapped up in a massive bonfire of emotion. Take the ‘e’ out and emotion becomes motion. The fire that actually does the driving. Like the long distance runner needing a little pick-me-up halfway through the race, the festivities around Christmas have always been there to see us through the hard bit of winter when food and warmth are scarce and the nights seem never ending.
Dickens relit the blue touch paper when he ‘taught’ Scrooge to appreciate the spirit of Christmas. Scrooge had the privacy to confront his demons and work out how he was going to make amends, sufficient funds to be able to give him security and enable him to control his environment, Jacob Marley to show him emotional intimacy, the ghost of Christmas past to remind him of his lost physical intimacy, his nephew and family to show him attention and community and Bob Cratchitt’s family, and particularly Tiny Tim, give him a sense of meaning. Like most traditions, though, our inner chimps have found ways of bypassing the value of the tradition for the mechanics. Worse, when it doesn’t go according to plan our inner chimp berates us: we ‘should’ be having a nice time; we’re bad chimps for being stressed.
That’s the ‘why’. What’s the ‘what’? What can you do about it? You can only ‘change’ yourself. Be a little more forgiving of those around you. They may not have the same level of emotional intelligence. Make sure you get your needs met. It sounds selfish but the rock climber belaying for others is no good if his own footing is less than secure.
Give attention to others and emotional intimacy; really encourage them in their dreams rather than pointing out the flaws. Understand how important status is. At one level or another family is the most important thing. It is an emotional chimp tree and everyone needs to be respected for who they are, not who they once were. Value and respect everyone. A Human Givens couples counselling course I have just done suggested that friendship = fondness + admiration. Admire your family members. They’re cut from the same cloth as you. The more you appreciate others the more secure they will feel.
Don’t lose sight of your own community: find people to share experiences with. Notice how you feel after the annual carol service or stepping out of the local panto. Some sort of shared entertainment is a great way of bonding. Singing is even better. It is the quickest way of building empathy. Many will claim they can’t sing. A choral scholar friend used to say: “anyone who can talk can sing”. I suspect most who were put off singing were chided as youngsters to “put the cat out” etc. Singing is an expression of emotion and to have someone else criticize, even in jest, really hurts. You can do it. It will take practice and stretch, but as G K Chesterton once: “if something’s worth doing it’s worth doing badly.”
May your Christmas bring you everything you wish for. But if it doesn’t drop me a line and I’ll help you find the magic buried beneath the wrapping paper. Drop me a line through my Inflow Performance Facebook page or Breaking Free group and have a look at the Inflow Performance website when it’s back up and running.