It’s been an interesting few days watching the flurry of present giving and general festivities. Some of my favourite Christmases many years ago were ones we spent with friends in Devon. Things kicked off on Christmas eve with friends and neighbours singing carols around the piano. On Christmas morning we all made our own breakfasts then trotted down to church. We did presents before a light lunch, snatched as we prepared the veg etc for the evening meal. It had to be a light lunch as we had access to the local school’s hockey pitch and we all, with friends and neighbours, played hockey for an hour and then went for a swim. Finally, exhausted but happy, we sat down for the main meal and played stupid games around the table until late.

Did you notice the present bit? It was slotted in a brief moment between church and lunch.

I’ve been thinking about the whole presents thing. I wonder whether presents are sometimes a bit of a heuristic: a substitute for saying the things you desperately want to say but don’t have the courage to say. Women, in particular, seem to put a lot of store by presents both giving and receiving. It’s part of an idea I’ve been playing with about how emotion is an interesting undertow to modern life.

I know two sisters who haven’t spoken for years and yet they still send presents. I suspect their motives are subtly different but the presents they give and send are in lieu of the things they desperately want to say. One has hidden herself away because she struggles to deal with familial hurly burly. She’s very dutiful and, at one level or another, still wants to be part of the family. Presents duly arrive on birthdays and Christmases normally accompanied by terse cards. The subtext is: I’m thinking of you all but I need you all to know how much I’m hurting. The other had a bit of a hissy fit a few years ago and gave everyone a hard time. I suspect she deeply regrets her words but is too proud to voice her contrition. So she spends money on presents.

I’ve watched other families who orbit around present giving. They’re not hugely demonstrative on a daily basis so they say it with presents at Christmas and birthdays; everything has to be perfect. When presents became a trifle expensive a form of secret Santa became the norm but, so there were plenty of presents to open, a charity shop chaser was introduced along with additional ‘rounds the table’ presents.

Father Christmas or Santa Claus (or whatever pseudo deity dressed as a soft drink you chose) is another useful vehicle for parents to express the love they have for their children without necessarily exposing themselves, or even to express their need to keep up with society.

As the dust settles on another round of consumption have a think about which bits you really remember from Christmas. Was it the present or something different and maybe mundane. I know my favourite bits were singing carols with friends and families and the opportunity to see some special people I hadn’t seen for ages.

May I wish you all a very happy New Year.

If you feel some part of your life needs an overhaul drop me a line through [email protected], the inflowperformance facebook page or have a look at the website.