I’m off on a course in a few weeks to learn how to deal with bereavement. In my work as a coach there is a chance that part of someone’s problems may be a bereavement that has never been dealt with. In preparation I’m reading Kathryn Mannix’s excellent book, With The End In Mind. Very early she introduces the idea that those dying and their relatives feel much happier if they’re reassured of how ‘normal’ death is.

She describes in excellent detail how some of her mentors took time to describe exactly what was likely to happen and how peaceful ‘the end’ would be. It’s a lovely book.

What came to mind was my time in the Royal Marines. We spent some time in Norway stumbling around on skis with very heavy rucksacks on. Many of these ‘ski marches’ were in 100-man company snakes. The officer at the front had the map and knew where we were going and why. The rest of the company had to tag along behind. Much like queuing traffic on the motorway there seemed to be no reason to the starting and stopping on those marches. The message never came ‘down the line’ as to why we were stopping and for how long. I well remember several of my colleagues having the presence of mind to break out their stoves and knock up a quick hot drink whilst we waited on some occasions.

‘The boys’ were known for grumbling every so often. Frankly, I don’t really blame them. If you don’t know what’s going on and you have no control over your destiny it’s miserable. Victor Franckl in his book Man’s Search for Meaning describes how he took control of his incarceration in the concentration camp by using the ‘opportunity’ to learn about his fellow men.

Knowing what lies ahead or what’s happening to you won’t necessarily make your life easier but armed with that information you can choose how to confront those challenges.

A lot of the coaching I do is about helping change a client’’s perspective. If their view of what is going on can be reframed they can see their role in the situation and elect to change their approach. There is almost never a situation that we can’t influence in some way. We can choose how it affects us or, if it’s really unhealthy for us, choose to leave. Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell of the Human Givens suggest viewing a lot of situations through the mnemonic APET – activating agent, pattern match, emotional response and thought process. Most problems can be solved by addressing them at one of these stages.

For instance ski marching troops can’t affect the decisions made in the headquarters but they can decide to adjust their emotional response or their thought processes. They may even change the pattern match they have drummed up that the bloke at the front of the column doesn’t care about them. He may just be under a lot of pressure and doesn’t have the capacity or experience to be able to explain what’s going on.

Dying is a part of life. It’s what makes us value each day. It is inevitable. Humans are programmed to deal with it. Grieving is about rewiring the brain to edit that person from the present tense to the past. If you can identify a healthy way of dealing with that rewiring it becomes a lot easier to handle.