“A gentleman is someone who is comfortable with himself.” My old boss used to claim that one of the 17th century kings uttered this quote. I haven’t been able to track down its origins, yet. It’s true though. The people we find magnetic and want to spend time with are those who are ‘honest’. They’re completely comfortable with themselves and they don’t feel they have anything to be ashamed of. They exude gentle confidence and we feel comfortable in their presence. It’s a rare gift.
It can be learned. What you feel and think, emotions and desires, are part of being you. Assuming those desires and emotions aren’t about harming others then they are probably perfectly valid. I believe that everyone is doing the best they can within their particular perspective, it’s just many try to be someone they’re not: someone else.
The trouble is we live in a society where it really matters to us what others think. At the age of two we hear for the first time the word “No!” It causes no end of angst. Up until this point we have been masters of everything we see and touch. We’re hungry; someone feeds us. We see something and reach out for it; someone lets us have it. Our ego boundary is limitless. Then this freedom comes to an end when we reach two. People start to ‘control’ our lives, our ego boundary collapses and suddenly we’re aware of an outside world. The fear and anger in this change of circumstances manifests itself as ‘the terrible twos’.
For the next 30-odd years we ‘trim’ our expectations to fit in. We stop listening to our inner selves; everyone important to us tells us it’s wrong; parents, school friends, colleagues, the media. Why would we listen? Unless we’re lucky enough to have the confidence to exude the confidence of feeling complete we assume others must know better. But as is often pointed out: you are the best at being yourself.
It’s the same with organizations. Too many try to emulate others rather than ‘being themselves’. Wracked by insecurities many organizations look outwards rather than concentrating on what it is they’re trying to do. Just as calming practices like mindfulness allow individuals to ‘listen’ to themselves and what their bodies are telling them, a good organization, and certainly those with any power, will listen carefully to the staff, particularly the front line staff.
The Great Barrier Reef is often described as the largest living thing in the world. A bee hive could be described, too, as a living thing. The boundaries between organism and organization may not be as clear cut as some would think.
If you are someone who thinks you are special, that those colleagues on different levels are somehow inferior or, perhaps, stratospherically superior, take some time to consider what your organization, that’s everyone working together, is ‘for’. What are you best at? And when you’ve worked it out focus on making yourselves even better at it.
A team is only as good as its members; a good team rarely needs ‘leaders’ merely members who listen to each other and work together and defer to the specialist. The arms, legs, bowels, heart and other squidgy bits all have a part to play keeping we humans alive. None is more important than any other. So too an organization should value and listen to every constituent part. After all, what trouble would we get in if we didn’t have 5-senses to back up the information when one of them gets deceived?
Think of this next time you want to be disparaging of others within your team. Are you all working to make the organization comfortable with itself?